Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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