I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize