Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
