do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
