apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
