Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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