a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
