I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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