Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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