so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Randomize
