I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
