my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
