I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
