I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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