Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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