It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
