i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize