You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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