If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
