I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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