Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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