Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize