Betty ford says i'm here all night
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
