I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
