4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
