what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
