No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
oh god was she eating orange peels again
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
