So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
