this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
