Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
