I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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