He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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