Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
