First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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