How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
