I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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