Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
