she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
