If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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