I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
