My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I did not marry a roomba.
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