I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
There's always time for handjobs
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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