He disabled his match.com account in front of me
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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