I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
