things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
