this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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