Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
