how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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