So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
