your room smells of hookers.
And success
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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