We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
