good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I wish you could order shots online.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
