When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
