I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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