I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
