Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Randomize
