After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
