his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
