I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
