The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
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