I think I just saw someone hide a body.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Randomize
