i permit you to call me
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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