i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
